Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?

Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too.