One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin.

Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.

I like to drop in on people who picked on me in high school or whatever, just out of the blue, and chat with them to see how they think of me now that I'm a big star. Usually they're a lot nicer. After about half an hour, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and leave a few DVDs or pictures there. Then when I come out, I say good-bye and leave. Then I call the cops.

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.

I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.

I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important?

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.