One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

Hitler was about population control.