I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.

I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else.