You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.