Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

My forte is awkwardness.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.