You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'