When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.