Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.