I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

If you see something, say something.