I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

If you see something, say something.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.