I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.