When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.