I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.