I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.