I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.