I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

I know everything because I know nothing.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.