Adam Carolla Quotes

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

I get depressed at airports.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.