I know everything because I know nothing.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.