I know everything because I know nothing.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."