I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.