You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.