You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.