No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.