No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.