What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.