What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.