My motto is "more mystery, less history".

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?