I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.