When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.