When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I know everything because I know nothing.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.