When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.