When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.