When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

I am not a good cue card reader.