When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.