When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.