[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.