If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

I don't know anything about computers.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.