It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.