I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.