I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!