People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.