When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.