When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

I get depressed at airports.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.