I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.