I am not a good cue card reader.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.