Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.