When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.