When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".