The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool.

My father used to wear the same pants for like a week.

I prefer musicals, because I am the best dancer who ever lived. The best plies, the best sashays, and by far the best-smelling Capezios.

I've always liked older ladies, ever since my mother would have B'nai B'rith at our house.

I had my moments of being humiliated, and then I had moments of doing something humiliating. I'm glad I lived out both roles.

Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.