My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.