If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.