If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.