If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.