When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.