You can't make souffle rise twice.

I live by three rules: I eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired and scratch when I itch.

[Remark about Calvin Coolidge she says was erroneously attributed to her:] I do wish he did not look as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening.

My specialty is detached malevolence.