I live by three rules: I eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired and scratch when I itch.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

... [woman suffrage] has made little difference beyond doubling the number of voters. There is no woman's vote as such. They divide up just about as men do.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you can't think of anything nice to say, come sit here beside me.

If you can't say something nice about someone, come and sit right here next to me.