PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.

Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.