Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

A subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship . . . . [H]is master works for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition.

Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.

UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.