Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it.

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.