There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

I like to play unattractive people who think they're pretty. You can do what you want, but I prefer to look interesting.

Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.

I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time.

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.