I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Flying is always an unpleasant experience. You wait an hour for every ten minutes you actually spend getting anywhere.

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.