The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.

Great teachers are usually a little crazy.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.