I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started.

Love is more pleasant once you get out of your twenties. It doesn't hurt all the time.

Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.