I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

People like to say, "You're only as old as you feel," but it isn't true. It's just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are.

There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.

In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?