New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.

It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?